When I was a small girl, I remember looking at different women in search of a role model. I thought that if I found her, I would know for certain what kind of woman I would like to be. Years passed. While growing up, I got acquainted with a lot of different women about whom there was something I liked. One of them was gay and talkative, another always looked great wearing designer clothes and impeccable makeup. I got to know some women who were extremely wise and others who were charming in their childlike manner. But I failed to find the one who I wanted to resemble.

I've always found it difficult to concentrate on here and now. Instead I tend to find myself living either in the past or in the future. Although I am well aware that multi-tasking is a myth, it's hard for me to focus on what I'm doing at the moment without thinking of my future plans or giving inner feedback on the activities I have accomplished (or, more often, haven't accomplished). One of my favourite quotations is "Take one step at a time" though I have failed to live up to it so far.

Recently I have noticed myself mention the word "envy" a couple of times. It set my philological and also psychologically-oriented mind thinking. As the term is not normally very widely used, I decided to investigate into the matter.

It always makes sense to start with a definition. Here is how Wikipedia defines envy.

As a rule, a certain period in my life is marked by a certain emotion. Happiness changes sadness, energy comes after frustration and so on.

A very long time ago I noticed that anger goes hand in hand with fear. Let me make my point clear. When I felt anger for a number of days, I knew that after that fear would come and vice versa. Sometimes it felt like a vicious circle from which it could be rather difficult to disentangle myself. At other times I was gripped by the two emotions simultaneously: I might behave aggressively feeling fear inside or, on the contrary, showed fear and meekness while feeling anger. All this made me wonder, for I couldn't approach understanding the mechanism.